Not Quite Iron Man

Home.  Finally.  It's nice to be free from the confines of a small, cold room connected to machines, chest tubes, and IV medications.  Although these next few weeks will be riddled with clinic and rehab visits at the hospital, recovery is off to a nice start.  It's hard to know what to do with myself though.  Guess that's the toll of being stuck in a hospital for at least a month.

Anyways, I wanted to share something that I learned during my time there.  Before I even went to the hospital to await the transplant, I joked a lot with friends and family that I would be Iron Man after all was said and done.  Obviously, I don't have the financial capabilities and technological know-how to possess such a thing, but you get the idea.  I got a new heart that will make me stronger than I've ever been in the past six years.  It was a great idea to think of myself becoming that way.  My friend, Larry, even bought me an Iron Man mask!

For the first couple days after surgery, I felt like I was Iron Man.  I was super enthusiastic and ready to start running (maybe even fly); however, after the weekend, things went a completely different direction emotionally and spiritually.  I started to become very bitter, angry, irritated, frustrated, depressed, and impatient.  A few of the nurses even ended up on the receiving end of all my rage.  I didn't understand it. 

My walk with God was even taking a turn for the worse during these few days of bitterness.  I wasn't reading my Bible, wasn't praying, wasn't glorifying Him in any way that produced fruit.  I am an introvert.  That means I enjoy being able to get myself alone in a room to gather up energy and wisdom away from the noise of the busy world we all live in.  Being in a hospital diminished that opportunity a lot.  Nurses and doctors came in and out just about every hour, and I hated it.  It was hard.  I found myself asking God what was going on because I could not find any way out of the rut on my own.

I texted my friend and mentor, Doug, to tell him what was going on.  His response was, "Thanks for letting me see that softer, prickly side of your temperament!  Makes me think you really are human, even if you are...Iron Man."  That message stuck with me for the rest of my time in the hospital.  God was really beginning to break me down, to break me out of my "Iron Man" mentality.  I'm still human.  I'm still a sinner who has a need for grace and mercy just as much as anyone else does.  That truth hurt a lot, but it was so good to see myself be made low in that moment, to see God's glory and not mine.  I'm not quite Iron Man after all.

When they pulled out the last chest tube, I prayed to God to remind me of the real, physical pain that my Lord and Savior endured on the cross in order that I may receive one of the biggest blessings in my life.  No greater pain has anyone endured than He who has carried the weight of the sin of the world on His own shoulders so that all the wrath of God may be poured onto Him.  It is definitely something that should not and cannot ever be taken for granted.  God is good, and to Him be all praise and glory and honor.

On another note, here's a picture of my old heart.  It was six inches long, which is about 1.5 inches too long than my heart should be.

Post-Transplant Update

Here is a video that should bring you up to date on all that's been happening since my heart transplant took place.  If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Share My Heart

Throughout the entire journey of living with a weak heart and now waiting for a transplant, God has blessed me with the most loving brothers and sisters in Christ.  Many have not ceased to encourage me, pray for me, suffer with me, rejoice with me, and even provide for me and my family.  The Lord has shown His faithfulness in providing for me materially and spiritually through these people, and I can't thank Him enough for such unconditional love and comfort in the body of Christ, the church.  When I dwell upon the blessings I have received from this body, of which I am a part, I think of 2 Corinthians 1:5-7:

For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

God guarantees that we are not alone in times of suffering AND times of comfort.  First of all, we have Christ because we are in Christ.  He also has endured suffering and temptation for our sake (1 Peter 3:18; Hebrews 2:18); therefore, in Him we have comfort and strength because He is the only one from whom we gain the power to stand against such burdens.  Secondly, God has provided us with a church family in the body of Christ who show such willingness and faith to endure alongside us in our lives, through both hard times and good times, and to rejoice in Christ.  God is the one who said that it was not good for man to be alone.  I feel the weight of that need for fellowship during this time, and God has faithfully provided for me every day of this journey.

Recently, some friends of mine at The Village Church decided to put together a 5K fun run to raise money in order to provide for medical and living expenses post-transplant.  It is such a blessing!  If you are in the Denton, TX area or plan to be around here May 4th, go to www.haveaheart5K.com to register.  It is $25, and the first few people to register by April 21st will get an awesome t-shirt.  Even if you just want to walk, please join in!  I am so thankful that this is happening and that God is in control of everything I cannot see now.  It grants me the ability to rest in Him, hiding myself in His heart.

Keep an eye on this blog for any other opportunities that may arise to help me and my family during this time.

Love you guys!

Running In Place

This morning, the doctor told me that they had considered me for a heart that they had found, but in the end they determined that it was not quite suitable enough for me.  I think, for most, this would've been frustrating to hear.  For me, it was actually quite an eye-opener.  It assured me that God really is working and planning something amazing, and it also assured me that I really am at the top of the list and that this could happen soon.  Then again, it could take another month or so.

I have come to believe that I run in my sleep, but I still manage to stay in bed.  The fitted sheets on my bed have a hole that have been worn into them, and every time I wake up in the bed at the hospital, the sheets are mangled and messy.  In reality, however, it was a lot of effort to get nowhere.  I didn't move from point A to point B.  I didn't win a race.  I'm still where I was.

I'm still in ICU, waiting for a heart transplant.  I haven't moved much, and, frankly, nothing I do or say can expedite the process.  If I tried, I'm putting a lot of effort into getting nowhere.  Patience is hard to come by, but God thoroughly desires for us to grow patience.  In the Psalms of the Bible, David consistently teaches us to wait for the Lord, to be patient with the Almighty God of the universe.

Psalm 25:3 "Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous."

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"

Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."

Psalm 37:34 "Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off."

Psalm 62:5 "For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him."

This is one of many things that the Lord has been teaching me during my time here.  I have to stay focused on Him.  I truly am walking through the shadow of the valley of death, and it has been a long and painful journey, but I am assured that He is my strength and my hope and my source of life.  There is no other.

Stay tuned to my blog.  I have some "articles" that I am planning to write and share with all those who read this blog.