Forgiveness is a rare thing because it is something that the world has never offered.
The world offers excuses, and excuses don't account for what is innately inexcusable in the heart of all men. It can pardon a murderer, but it can't account for the deeper, darker root of sin in his heart because it does not understand its own depravity. "Everyone makes mistakes." But why?! It is not enough to redeem a man by excusing him from his mistakes.
God could care less about action then the state of the heart behind those actions. Skeptics of the Bible often argue that Christians don't keep to Old Testament law or that Old Testament law doesn't apply anymore because Jesus abolished that law (which is not true because even Jesus himself said that wasn't the case in Matthew 5:17-20).
On one hand, we are saved from God's law because that law is what reveals our depravity (Rom. 7:4-6). God set a standard for holiness in the Old Testament that he commanded be obeyed to a T, all the while knowing that we couldn't (Rom. 3:23). No one has understood or perceived of the greatness and power of his mercy and grace through Jesus Christ without first being convicted of one's shortcomings in upholding these standards no matter how hard one has tried. This is the beginning of what is called repentance, a turning away from one's old, dead, sinful life to the reception of new, fulfilled life in Christ Jesus through whom we have righteousness that meets the standards of the Old Testament law (Gal. 2:20; 2 Cor. 5:17, 21).
On the other hand, Christians are not excused from the law. Remember that Jesus did not abolish the law, but he fulfilled it, meaning that he lived the perfect life that we could not live on our own. Because we are in him, the drive to pursue holiness by these standards changes the way we live, and it is constantly changing the way we live until the day we die or Jesus returns to take his followers home. This is what the Bible calls "sanctification." A constant transformation in heart and mind to the heart and mind of Christ to be obedient to the commands of God.
So, when I fail, when I fall short of the commands of God, I will strive to set the cross before me because there is nothing else to relieve me of shame, guilt, sadness, or darkness. Defeat is burdensome for me without the forgiveness of God. It's like trying to swim to the surface of the ocean with a millstone tied to my ankles. On the cross, God did not only excuse my actions, but he forgave my inexcusable sin, the deepest dark of my heart. No court of law or any man can do that apart from understanding the forgiveness of God first.
Forgiveness is a rare thing in this world because the world rarely acknowledges the cross.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Fifty-One
I used to think that my heart was heavy,
But it had gotten heavier
When Mom turned on the TV,
And suits behind desks
Orated about catastrophe to the north of us.
Things got twisted, flipped over,
Torn to pieces like paper.
There were fifty-one gone
(To Hell or Heaven, I do not know).
And they’re still searching…
Here! is the sting of Death;
A hornet that stings
A small, helpless infant.
It pierces deep into our veins,
And our mortality stares at us with cold, grey eyes.
God, are you watching?!
If I feel far from You,
How much further away are they?
Those who have debris to pull out of their yards?
If You would be near to me,
Be near to them, and closer still.
There is hope to be found,
And it isn’t in this terrible world.
Hope is beyond what we have ever seen,
And it has a voice like a watchman’s horn.
Who hears it?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Magnitude
Four hundred years we waited for Immanuel,
And he came a servant king,
As a shimmering, no, a majestic, magnificent light
Making the dark cower like a ship sinking
Beneath the weight of towering waves.
And the earth was blind, lame, and cruel,
Calling the Prince a blasphemer
For he said that one day he would rule.
Oh! the magnitude of sin, the serpent's rattle,
That this man, who was in fact divine,
Saw it fit to secure himself to a tree
Where dead branches find life in the vine.
It took a thief's death to redeem the thief,
And a crimson flood to cleanse a crimson stain.
How dear the price that was paid
For the life that courses through my veins.
And he came a servant king,
As a shimmering, no, a majestic, magnificent light
Making the dark cower like a ship sinking
Beneath the weight of towering waves.
And the earth was blind, lame, and cruel,
Calling the Prince a blasphemer
For he said that one day he would rule.
Oh! the magnitude of sin, the serpent's rattle,
That this man, who was in fact divine,
Saw it fit to secure himself to a tree
Where dead branches find life in the vine.
It took a thief's death to redeem the thief,
And a crimson flood to cleanse a crimson stain.
How dear the price that was paid
For the life that courses through my veins.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Journal Revisions: Loving Wrath
"Serve the LORD with fear, and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the Son, lest he be angry and you perish in the way, for his wrath is quickly kindled. Blessed are all who take refuge in him." --Psalm 2:11, 12
Understanding the wrath of God has always been a challenge for me. As much as I know and believe God to be loving and gracious toward me, I cannot deny the truth of his wrath, and that is hard. Love and wrath always seem to take opposite sides.
The best analogy I can think of to help myself understand this (and hopefully those of you who read this) is the relationship of a father and his son. We'll call the father "Dan" and his son "Murdoch."
Dan tells Murdoch that he can ride his bicycle whenever he wants as long as he wears a helmet, no matter how silly Murdoch thinks it may look. If Murdoch ever disobeys this simple rule, there are consequences. He will receive two swats to the rear, and his bicycle privileges will be taken away for a week. In the event that Murdoch is disobedient, is Dan any less loving when he carries out these consequences upon his own son? Of course not! As a father, Dan has every right and authority to punish his son, Murdoch, for his deliberate disobedience. Murdoch may disagree, at least for awhile, but he would soon learn to trust that his father does love and desires to see his son live a full life. In short, Dan's wrath is not separate from his love for Murdoch. Instead, it serves as a relational modifier within a loving relationship.
Unfortunately, this is only an ideal relationship; however, we are fortunate that God is the only perfect Father who never changes his ways and whose commands are just (Deut. 32:4). We, however, are imperfect, prodigal children trying to find our own way apart from him, and God, like any rational father would, gets upset when we disobey him, and he's not so eager to just let it slide.
Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church, once said in a sermon that God possesses a "passive wrath." In Romans, Paul writes that because man would rather go his own way, "God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done" (Rom. 1:28). In other words, God is saying, "Fine. You think you know what is best for you, go ahead. Don't be surprised when things go wrong," or something like that. It's Dan arguing with Murdoch to wear his helmet, but in the end stepping back and letting his son go, knowing that Murdoch could badly injure himself because Murdoch thought he knew what was best. We don't know what is best for us. One day we think it's money, the next day it's sex. We are never satisfied by what we think is best (Jer. 2:13), and it ultimately leads to self-destructive living and death.
So, what does God say is best for us?
His only Son, Jesus Christ.
A lot of people skim over the gravity of John 3:16. Let's face it. We've used this verse in about every version of media we can think of, and so much so that it's become cliche and is only taken at face value by today's culture. (If you really want to experience the gravity of this verse, read also verses 17-21). I wonder if anyone ever stops to ponder the positioning of the word "perish" in this verse. Is there not even a small hint of God's wrath? God sent his Son to save use from sin, to bring us back into the holy, harmonious relationship that was fractured by man's rebellion against his Creator and heavenly Father. If we don't want the Son, there is a very real consequence in place under the wrath of God.
He is a loving God because he wants us to be with him so that we may inherit his kingdom, and for that he paid dearly at a great cost only to himself by pouring out his wrath against us upon his own Son on the cross. By the blood of Christ alone we are cleansed and made righteous before God (Gal. 2:20; Rom. 5:18; Phil. 3:9; 2 Cor. 5:21) In his love, his wrath operates as a relational modifier between himself and his children. For our disobedience, he is just in exhibiting his wrath toward us, but his love and his grace are constant despite our disobedience (Psa. 30:5).
God is worthy to be feared. What have we to lose if we fear him alone? Nothing. Rather, we have everything to gain in fearing him.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Not Quite Iron Man
Home. Finally. It's nice to be free from the confines of a small, cold room connected to machines, chest tubes, and IV medications. Although these next few weeks will be riddled with clinic and rehab visits at the hospital, recovery is off to a nice start. It's hard to know what to do with myself though. Guess that's the toll of being stuck in a hospital for at least a month.
Anyways, I wanted to share something that I learned during my time there. Before I even went to the hospital to await the transplant, I joked a lot with friends and family that I would be Iron Man after all was said and done. Obviously, I don't have the financial capabilities and technological know-how to possess such a thing, but you get the idea. I got a new heart that will make me stronger than I've ever been in the past six years. It was a great idea to think of myself becoming that way. My friend, Larry, even bought me an Iron Man mask!
For the first couple days after surgery, I felt like I was Iron Man. I was super enthusiastic and ready to start running (maybe even fly); however, after the weekend, things went a completely different direction emotionally and spiritually. I started to become very bitter, angry, irritated, frustrated, depressed, and impatient. A few of the nurses even ended up on the receiving end of all my rage. I didn't understand it.
My walk with God was even taking a turn for the worse during these few days of bitterness. I wasn't reading my Bible, wasn't praying, wasn't glorifying Him in any way that produced fruit. I am an introvert. That means I enjoy being able to get myself alone in a room to gather up energy and wisdom away from the noise of the busy world we all live in. Being in a hospital diminished that opportunity a lot. Nurses and doctors came in and out just about every hour, and I hated it. It was hard. I found myself asking God what was going on because I could not find any way out of the rut on my own.
I texted my friend and mentor, Doug, to tell him what was going on. His response was, "Thanks for letting me see that softer, prickly side of your temperament! Makes me think you really are human, even if you are...Iron Man." That message stuck with me for the rest of my time in the hospital. God was really beginning to break me down, to break me out of my "Iron Man" mentality. I'm still human. I'm still a sinner who has a need for grace and mercy just as much as anyone else does. That truth hurt a lot, but it was so good to see myself be made low in that moment, to see God's glory and not mine. I'm not quite Iron Man after all.
When they pulled out the last chest tube, I prayed to God to remind me of the real, physical pain that my Lord and Savior endured on the cross in order that I may receive one of the biggest blessings in my life. No greater pain has anyone endured than He who has carried the weight of the sin of the world on His own shoulders so that all the wrath of God may be poured onto Him. It is definitely something that should not and cannot ever be taken for granted. God is good, and to Him be all praise and glory and honor.
On another note, here's a picture of my old heart. It was six inches long, which is about 1.5 inches too long than my heart should be.
Anyways, I wanted to share something that I learned during my time there. Before I even went to the hospital to await the transplant, I joked a lot with friends and family that I would be Iron Man after all was said and done. Obviously, I don't have the financial capabilities and technological know-how to possess such a thing, but you get the idea. I got a new heart that will make me stronger than I've ever been in the past six years. It was a great idea to think of myself becoming that way. My friend, Larry, even bought me an Iron Man mask!
For the first couple days after surgery, I felt like I was Iron Man. I was super enthusiastic and ready to start running (maybe even fly); however, after the weekend, things went a completely different direction emotionally and spiritually. I started to become very bitter, angry, irritated, frustrated, depressed, and impatient. A few of the nurses even ended up on the receiving end of all my rage. I didn't understand it.
My walk with God was even taking a turn for the worse during these few days of bitterness. I wasn't reading my Bible, wasn't praying, wasn't glorifying Him in any way that produced fruit. I am an introvert. That means I enjoy being able to get myself alone in a room to gather up energy and wisdom away from the noise of the busy world we all live in. Being in a hospital diminished that opportunity a lot. Nurses and doctors came in and out just about every hour, and I hated it. It was hard. I found myself asking God what was going on because I could not find any way out of the rut on my own.
I texted my friend and mentor, Doug, to tell him what was going on. His response was, "Thanks for letting me see that softer, prickly side of your temperament! Makes me think you really are human, even if you are...Iron Man." That message stuck with me for the rest of my time in the hospital. God was really beginning to break me down, to break me out of my "Iron Man" mentality. I'm still human. I'm still a sinner who has a need for grace and mercy just as much as anyone else does. That truth hurt a lot, but it was so good to see myself be made low in that moment, to see God's glory and not mine. I'm not quite Iron Man after all.
When they pulled out the last chest tube, I prayed to God to remind me of the real, physical pain that my Lord and Savior endured on the cross in order that I may receive one of the biggest blessings in my life. No greater pain has anyone endured than He who has carried the weight of the sin of the world on His own shoulders so that all the wrath of God may be poured onto Him. It is definitely something that should not and cannot ever be taken for granted. God is good, and to Him be all praise and glory and honor.
On another note, here's a picture of my old heart. It was six inches long, which is about 1.5 inches too long than my heart should be.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Post-Transplant Update
Here is a video that should bring you up to date on all that's been happening since my heart transplant took place. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Share My Heart
Throughout the entire journey of living with a weak heart and now waiting for a transplant, God has blessed me with the most loving brothers and sisters in Christ. Many have not ceased to encourage me, pray for me, suffer with me, rejoice with me, and even provide for me and my family. The Lord has shown His faithfulness in providing for me materially and spiritually through these people, and I can't thank Him enough for such unconditional love and comfort in the body of Christ, the church. When I dwell upon the blessings I have received from this body, of which I am a part, I think of 2 Corinthians 1:5-7:
God guarantees that we are not alone in times of suffering AND times of comfort. First of all, we have Christ because we are in Christ. He also has endured suffering and temptation for our sake (1 Peter 3:18; Hebrews 2:18); therefore, in Him we have comfort and strength because He is the only one from whom we gain the power to stand against such burdens. Secondly, God has provided us with a church family in the body of Christ who show such willingness and faith to endure alongside us in our lives, through both hard times and good times, and to rejoice in Christ. God is the one who said that it was not good for man to be alone. I feel the weight of that need for fellowship during this time, and God has faithfully provided for me every day of this journey.
Recently, some friends of mine at The Village Church decided to put together a 5K fun run to raise money in order to provide for medical and living expenses post-transplant. It is such a blessing! If you are in the Denton, TX area or plan to be around here May 4th, go to www.haveaheart5K.com to register. It is $25, and the first few people to register by April 21st will get an awesome t-shirt. Even if you just want to walk, please join in! I am so thankful that this is happening and that God is in control of everything I cannot see now. It grants me the ability to rest in Him, hiding myself in His heart.
Keep an eye on this blog for any other opportunities that may arise to help me and my family during this time.
Love you guys!
For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
God guarantees that we are not alone in times of suffering AND times of comfort. First of all, we have Christ because we are in Christ. He also has endured suffering and temptation for our sake (1 Peter 3:18; Hebrews 2:18); therefore, in Him we have comfort and strength because He is the only one from whom we gain the power to stand against such burdens. Secondly, God has provided us with a church family in the body of Christ who show such willingness and faith to endure alongside us in our lives, through both hard times and good times, and to rejoice in Christ. God is the one who said that it was not good for man to be alone. I feel the weight of that need for fellowship during this time, and God has faithfully provided for me every day of this journey.
Recently, some friends of mine at The Village Church decided to put together a 5K fun run to raise money in order to provide for medical and living expenses post-transplant. It is such a blessing! If you are in the Denton, TX area or plan to be around here May 4th, go to www.haveaheart5K.com to register. It is $25, and the first few people to register by April 21st will get an awesome t-shirt. Even if you just want to walk, please join in! I am so thankful that this is happening and that God is in control of everything I cannot see now. It grants me the ability to rest in Him, hiding myself in His heart.
Keep an eye on this blog for any other opportunities that may arise to help me and my family during this time.
Love you guys!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Running In Place
This morning, the doctor told me that they had considered me for a heart that they had found, but in the end they determined that it was not quite suitable enough for me. I think, for most, this would've been frustrating to hear. For me, it was actually quite an eye-opener. It assured me that God really is working and planning something amazing, and it also assured me that I really am at the top of the list and that this could happen soon. Then again, it could take another month or so.
I have come to believe that I run in my sleep, but I still manage to stay in bed. The fitted sheets on my bed have a hole that have been worn into them, and every time I wake up in the bed at the hospital, the sheets are mangled and messy. In reality, however, it was a lot of effort to get nowhere. I didn't move from point A to point B. I didn't win a race. I'm still where I was.
I'm still in ICU, waiting for a heart transplant. I haven't moved much, and, frankly, nothing I do or say can expedite the process. If I tried, I'm putting a lot of effort into getting nowhere. Patience is hard to come by, but God thoroughly desires for us to grow patience. In the Psalms of the Bible, David consistently teaches us to wait for the Lord, to be patient with the Almighty God of the universe.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."
Stay tuned to my blog. I have some "articles" that I am planning to write and share with all those who read this blog.
I have come to believe that I run in my sleep, but I still manage to stay in bed. The fitted sheets on my bed have a hole that have been worn into them, and every time I wake up in the bed at the hospital, the sheets are mangled and messy. In reality, however, it was a lot of effort to get nowhere. I didn't move from point A to point B. I didn't win a race. I'm still where I was.
I'm still in ICU, waiting for a heart transplant. I haven't moved much, and, frankly, nothing I do or say can expedite the process. If I tried, I'm putting a lot of effort into getting nowhere. Patience is hard to come by, but God thoroughly desires for us to grow patience. In the Psalms of the Bible, David consistently teaches us to wait for the Lord, to be patient with the Almighty God of the universe.
Psalm 25:3 "Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous."
Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."
Psalm 37:34 "Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off."
Psalm 62:5 "For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him."
This is one of many things that the Lord has been teaching me during my time here. I have to stay focused on Him. I truly am walking through the shadow of the valley of death, and it has been a long and painful journey, but I am assured that He is my strength and my hope and my source of life. There is no other.
Stay tuned to my blog. I have some "articles" that I am planning to write and share with all those who read this blog.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Modern Tax Collectors
I have an update and a thought for this post.
The update is that I have officially been listed at the top of the heart transplant list. Now, we just play the waiting game. They do an evaluation in a few days to determine if I need to stay in the hospital or if I am strong enough to go home with an IV. Either way, they'll continue looking and waiting for a donor, and some day, I'll have a new heart. In the meantime, I'll be praying for patience and strength to endure through this whole thing, and I know that God will surely bless me with me with the grace to do so.
Furthermore, I've gotten up and walked around a couple times today with the nurse. It felt so good to use my legs a bit after sitting in bed for the past couple days. My mother has also been narrowing down on a place for her to stay these next few months, and we are seeing God graciously provide in so many ways for her and for myself. The faculty at my old high school gave her a $250 gift card for Wal-Mart to pay for gas, food, and any other necessities, and families have offered their homes to her all over the place. I thank God for our faithful and humble brothers and sisters!
Now for my thought of the night, and this is solely for those who are or may call themselves Christians; however, do not be discouraged to read on if you are not.
Though I've been sort of excluded from society in a sense, I'm not completely oblivious to the things happening in the world and in our country. Lately, the social media scene has been full of statuses and updates regarding the whole debate over same-sex marriage. Some of it is like listening to a "fire-and-brimstone" evangelist, and some of it is more or less stale and indifferent.
I've often struggled with trying to have an opinion on some political issues, especially as a believer in Christ. On the one hand, I do not advocate for same-sex marriage because I hold to the truth (which has been revealed to me by the divine authority of God Himself via the Bible) that marriage is designed by God for the union of one man and one woman, and the Bible clearly teaches against homosexuality because it perverts the original design of the Creator. On another hand, it's hard for me to hold this knowledge over people who advocate for same-sex marriages and homosexual relationships, and I honestly don't think that politics is the best way for those of us who are believers to spread the word of truth to those who do not know. I believe that's what some call "'Merican" Christianity.
Again, I do not advocate for same-sex marriage, but if it happens, so what? Are we more concerned with the external features of homosexuality than the root of it? Are we not called to love and serve these people? To have the same mind as Christ (Philippians 2)? I would rather that people knew that Christ had died out of love for them, so that they would know that they won't perish in Him, than that they knew Christians have a furious vendetta against homosexuality. It is better for us to love those who are weak and poor in the faith than to possess a greater knowledge of the truth than they do (1 Corinthians 8).
By loving and serving them, we build them up instead of tearing them down. If anything needs to be torn down, it's the sin, not the man. We need the cross. They need the cross. Go forth in love, brothers. Pursue the opportunity to be a light in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation. Share Christ with all people with the hope that lives can be and will be radically changed by the power of God through Jesus Christ who died for the reconciliation of all things to the Almighty. Let's be just as inviting to homosexuals and same-sex marriage advocates as Christ was to tax collectors and prostitutes.
The update is that I have officially been listed at the top of the heart transplant list. Now, we just play the waiting game. They do an evaluation in a few days to determine if I need to stay in the hospital or if I am strong enough to go home with an IV. Either way, they'll continue looking and waiting for a donor, and some day, I'll have a new heart. In the meantime, I'll be praying for patience and strength to endure through this whole thing, and I know that God will surely bless me with me with the grace to do so.
Furthermore, I've gotten up and walked around a couple times today with the nurse. It felt so good to use my legs a bit after sitting in bed for the past couple days. My mother has also been narrowing down on a place for her to stay these next few months, and we are seeing God graciously provide in so many ways for her and for myself. The faculty at my old high school gave her a $250 gift card for Wal-Mart to pay for gas, food, and any other necessities, and families have offered their homes to her all over the place. I thank God for our faithful and humble brothers and sisters!
Now for my thought of the night, and this is solely for those who are or may call themselves Christians; however, do not be discouraged to read on if you are not.
Though I've been sort of excluded from society in a sense, I'm not completely oblivious to the things happening in the world and in our country. Lately, the social media scene has been full of statuses and updates regarding the whole debate over same-sex marriage. Some of it is like listening to a "fire-and-brimstone" evangelist, and some of it is more or less stale and indifferent.
I've often struggled with trying to have an opinion on some political issues, especially as a believer in Christ. On the one hand, I do not advocate for same-sex marriage because I hold to the truth (which has been revealed to me by the divine authority of God Himself via the Bible) that marriage is designed by God for the union of one man and one woman, and the Bible clearly teaches against homosexuality because it perverts the original design of the Creator. On another hand, it's hard for me to hold this knowledge over people who advocate for same-sex marriages and homosexual relationships, and I honestly don't think that politics is the best way for those of us who are believers to spread the word of truth to those who do not know. I believe that's what some call "'Merican" Christianity.
Again, I do not advocate for same-sex marriage, but if it happens, so what? Are we more concerned with the external features of homosexuality than the root of it? Are we not called to love and serve these people? To have the same mind as Christ (Philippians 2)? I would rather that people knew that Christ had died out of love for them, so that they would know that they won't perish in Him, than that they knew Christians have a furious vendetta against homosexuality. It is better for us to love those who are weak and poor in the faith than to possess a greater knowledge of the truth than they do (1 Corinthians 8).
By loving and serving them, we build them up instead of tearing them down. If anything needs to be torn down, it's the sin, not the man. We need the cross. They need the cross. Go forth in love, brothers. Pursue the opportunity to be a light in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation. Share Christ with all people with the hope that lives can be and will be radically changed by the power of God through Jesus Christ who died for the reconciliation of all things to the Almighty. Let's be just as inviting to homosexuals and same-sex marriage advocates as Christ was to tax collectors and prostitutes.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Hard
Well, I'm here. In ICU. With a needle in my neck and tube running through my artery to my heart. Swallowing hurts a little, and I'm tired. This is the beginning of waiting for a heart transplant.
Here's the plan as best as I can communicate it:
The goal right now is to get me to the tippy top of the list of transplant candidates as quickly as possible with the hope I can get a transplant as soon as possible. This is the reason that I'm in ICU. My doctor (who is pretty awesome, and I'm blessed to have him) explained that it's like saving up money in a bank to buy a new car, except instead of money we're saving up time in the ICU to provide leeway when it comes to getting a transplant, and it's almost like a national competition. Everyone wants the transplant, and we're all dying to get it first. Not sure if there's a pun there. Ultimately, they say that youth is on my side. The fact that I am one of the younger candidates gives me an advantage on how soon I get the transplant because it's supposedly easier to find a heart for me than for someone who is seventy and pushing through their last leg of life.
Another new fact I learned today is that when I've been here for a week, they will evaluate my status, and based on that evaluation, there is a chance they'll send me home with an IV heart pump. So, who knows how long I'll be here and how many times I'll go in and out of the hospital between now and the transplant.
ANOTHER new fact I learned today is that when they find a heart, I am immediately rushed to surgery and prepped for the arrival of the heart. There's no advanced notice or anything, so it will be impossible for me to tell anyone when it's going down before it happens. They said that one team goes to harvest the heart, and the other team preps me for the transplant, which translates in my mind like this: "We're going wake you up in the middle of the night, run you to the surgery room, put you into a deep sleep, and open up your chest cavity while we wait for the heart to arrive." All in all the procedure can take up to six hours. Now, we all know how transplants happen. Hooray!
Today, I couldn't stop saying to myself, "This is going to be hard." It is going to be hard, and I've known that throughout my entire experience with this whole thing. Having a weak heart just makes everything harder. I'm struggling to find the encouragement I need in the God who has strength beyond comparison, who possesses the power to raise Christ from the dead and has made that same power available to those who love Him, and who has blessed me with immeasurable mercy and grace to endure my suffering and my weaknesses. Sometimes, it's just hard.
Here's the plan as best as I can communicate it:
The goal right now is to get me to the tippy top of the list of transplant candidates as quickly as possible with the hope I can get a transplant as soon as possible. This is the reason that I'm in ICU. My doctor (who is pretty awesome, and I'm blessed to have him) explained that it's like saving up money in a bank to buy a new car, except instead of money we're saving up time in the ICU to provide leeway when it comes to getting a transplant, and it's almost like a national competition. Everyone wants the transplant, and we're all dying to get it first. Not sure if there's a pun there. Ultimately, they say that youth is on my side. The fact that I am one of the younger candidates gives me an advantage on how soon I get the transplant because it's supposedly easier to find a heart for me than for someone who is seventy and pushing through their last leg of life.
Another new fact I learned today is that when I've been here for a week, they will evaluate my status, and based on that evaluation, there is a chance they'll send me home with an IV heart pump. So, who knows how long I'll be here and how many times I'll go in and out of the hospital between now and the transplant.
ANOTHER new fact I learned today is that when they find a heart, I am immediately rushed to surgery and prepped for the arrival of the heart. There's no advanced notice or anything, so it will be impossible for me to tell anyone when it's going down before it happens. They said that one team goes to harvest the heart, and the other team preps me for the transplant, which translates in my mind like this: "We're going wake you up in the middle of the night, run you to the surgery room, put you into a deep sleep, and open up your chest cavity while we wait for the heart to arrive." All in all the procedure can take up to six hours. Now, we all know how transplants happen. Hooray!
Today, I couldn't stop saying to myself, "This is going to be hard." It is going to be hard, and I've known that throughout my entire experience with this whole thing. Having a weak heart just makes everything harder. I'm struggling to find the encouragement I need in the God who has strength beyond comparison, who possesses the power to raise Christ from the dead and has made that same power available to those who love Him, and who has blessed me with immeasurable mercy and grace to endure my suffering and my weaknesses. Sometimes, it's just hard.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Heart Shock
Six years ago, I never thought I'd be where I am now, waiting for a heart transplant. I can't say it was entirely unexpected. Maybe the timing seemed to be cut short a few months, but I have no control over that, and that's probably best because if I did there would probably be a much worse situation on my hands. Thank God that He works all things according to the purpose of His own will for the good of those who love Him.
I can't describe the gravity of hearing someone telling me that I need a heart transplant, and I think that is only because it isn't actually happening yet, and I'm still working through a state of shock. Try wrapping your mind around the fact that the heart you currently have must be taken out of your chest, and a new one must be put in its place. This isn't a kidney. It's the heart. The sole unit of life for our physical bodies. It's like the engine of a car. A car just can't run without an engine, or else you've got a very dangerous soapbox car made of metal that none of the neighborhood kids want to race against. This isn't to say there isn't any emotional stress. My emotions are on the biggest roller coaster you've ever seen. One moment I'll be driving my car listening to upbeat folk music then suddenly tears start squeezing through my eyes, and I'm asking God what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The past few days have been full of confusion, sadness, joy, apathy, frustration, happiness, and depression. I can't stop it.
In Exodus 3, God speaks to Moses through a burning bush, and the LORD says, "I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey, to the place of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites" (Ex. 3:7-8). The faithfulness of God is so great in our moments of affliction. Not only does He have an unwavering awareness of where we are and what our circumstances are, but He is continuously involved in those moments, working out everything through Christ to redeem us, to humble us, to save us, to love us, and to strengthen us for the praise of His glory alone. He KNOWS our sufferings! In 1 Peter 3:18, it says that Christ also suffered for our sins. He carried the same burdens that we carry today, and He understands the pain and the struggle we face throughout our entire lives. One of my favorite hymns is "Jesus, Savior Pilot Me." In the song there is a line that says, "Fear not, I will pilot thee." Though we may face the hazardous shores of life that threaten to weaken us and place us in the path of death, Jesus Christ is our rescue and our comfort. There is, in fact, no other choice for me than to trust in Him.
I don't know how these next few months are going to play out. Right now, all I know is that I get to sit in ICU with a right heart catheter 24/7 until they find that suitable heart for me, and before that happens there's a lot I have to work out as far as school, work, finances, and everything else that my life currently entails. This is a new season of life for me.
P.S. I'll be keeping people updated about this experience as much as possible, so bookmark this site and share it with others.
I can't describe the gravity of hearing someone telling me that I need a heart transplant, and I think that is only because it isn't actually happening yet, and I'm still working through a state of shock. Try wrapping your mind around the fact that the heart you currently have must be taken out of your chest, and a new one must be put in its place. This isn't a kidney. It's the heart. The sole unit of life for our physical bodies. It's like the engine of a car. A car just can't run without an engine, or else you've got a very dangerous soapbox car made of metal that none of the neighborhood kids want to race against. This isn't to say there isn't any emotional stress. My emotions are on the biggest roller coaster you've ever seen. One moment I'll be driving my car listening to upbeat folk music then suddenly tears start squeezing through my eyes, and I'm asking God what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The past few days have been full of confusion, sadness, joy, apathy, frustration, happiness, and depression. I can't stop it.
In Exodus 3, God speaks to Moses through a burning bush, and the LORD says, "I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey, to the place of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites" (Ex. 3:7-8). The faithfulness of God is so great in our moments of affliction. Not only does He have an unwavering awareness of where we are and what our circumstances are, but He is continuously involved in those moments, working out everything through Christ to redeem us, to humble us, to save us, to love us, and to strengthen us for the praise of His glory alone. He KNOWS our sufferings! In 1 Peter 3:18, it says that Christ also suffered for our sins. He carried the same burdens that we carry today, and He understands the pain and the struggle we face throughout our entire lives. One of my favorite hymns is "Jesus, Savior Pilot Me." In the song there is a line that says, "Fear not, I will pilot thee." Though we may face the hazardous shores of life that threaten to weaken us and place us in the path of death, Jesus Christ is our rescue and our comfort. There is, in fact, no other choice for me than to trust in Him.
I don't know how these next few months are going to play out. Right now, all I know is that I get to sit in ICU with a right heart catheter 24/7 until they find that suitable heart for me, and before that happens there's a lot I have to work out as far as school, work, finances, and everything else that my life currently entails. This is a new season of life for me.
P.S. I'll be keeping people updated about this experience as much as possible, so bookmark this site and share it with others.
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